I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
