Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You're like the curious george of whores
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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