His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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