Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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