You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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