Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
