I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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