Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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