He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
