after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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