Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
