does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
