you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
