my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
