Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
