I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"