i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
