Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Did I show you my penis last night?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is