Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
