I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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