i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
