I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
