Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize