These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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