i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
