At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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