I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
