let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
