Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
