Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
