I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
