I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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