mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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