had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
