The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
