i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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