matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
