Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
