meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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