I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
