Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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