Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
