you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
