I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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