You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
