I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
