if i can run in heels then i can drive
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
