i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
