Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
