Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
