Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
