My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
