how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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