how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
