His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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