She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
