..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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