i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
