Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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