Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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