i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
