You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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